Letters from my brother.

I heard from my brother a couple of times in the fall. Here are some of his letters:

Dear Aeri!

I'm sorry I was busy and couldn’t write to you sooner......Autumn's here already.....until a few days ago I wore half sleeve shirts but now I have to wear long sleeve shirts to work because it's chilly in the morning and at night. We had so much rain all summer long that it ruined the hot peppers Mom planted. Mom complained about the rain, but she replanted Chinese cabbages so that we can have plenty of fresh kimchi later on.....Have you eaten kimchi? Just like you, my wife loves chicken dishes that I think I bought for her a truck load full of chickens when we went out together before we got married. She can cook any chicken dishes well and she can cook for you when you come to Korea.

I enjoyed your wedding pictures...... I am happy for you! You look very happy with a dignified husband and nice appearance of in-laws. We went to Phuket Thailand for the honeymoon and it was the happiest moment for me. We rode elephants and enjoyed spa massages. The rice noodle soups were tasteless but the shrimp dishes were delicious. Where did you go for your honeymoon? Were you too busy with work and study to travel too far? Take care of your health although your work and study is hard.
I don't have a decent photo to send you from this notebook but I will send you some from my home computer next time. Goodbye my only little sister Aeri!

(Thanks to Aeri's Mother-in-law for helping us!)

My dear sister Aeri!

I am finally able to write to you. I am confused about the weather because nowadays daytime and nighttime temperatures are too different, much like fall and winter. I have a cold because of that.....how is weather in your area? Is it cold like here? I really wouldn't mind winter since you will come after that.

Time to time I think about how I'm going to talk to you on your first visit....then I laugh at myself and my heart flutters and I get excited!!! Since I found you, I have a desire to learn English..... If I can speak English, I can call you and we could talk about many subjects. I wish I studied English harder when I had a chance. Now, English learning is booming in Korea...even for the elementary students, so that children don't have time to play anymore. We didn't do that when we were young..... Did you study hard too? I wonder how you were growing up?

Today Yuh-Joon brought home a pumpkin doll from school! How is Halloween in America? Every time Yuh-Joon sees your pictures he asks me when you are coming.....Can we see you next year??? Until we meet, I wish you finish your studies well!

And here is a letter he wrote to my mom:

Dear Aeri's Mother,

Greetings to you! I am a Aeri's birth brother and I would like to say hello and thank you on behalf of my parents and whole family. We were thankful to find Aeri but forgot to say thank you to you. We were poor so adoption was the best possible choice for Aeri, but we missed her so much. When we first heard Aeri was looking for her birth parents she thanked God she was raised by a loving and faithful Christian mother in her letter. We can't thank you enough that you raised Aeri to be a bright and healthy young lady. Someday I wish I have a chance to meet you and sincerely thank you again!! I pray in Jesus name your good health and happiness!

Weddings

My sister-in-law asked to see more pictures of my wedding, and she also sent pictures of their wedding! They honeymooned in Phuket, Thailand with her sister and brother-in-law who were also married at the same time.

화이팅: Hwaiting! (Fighting!)

Can I just say I enjoy this Korean word and I enjoy it even more when my brother and sister-in-law say it to me in their emails. It's just something used as a word of encouragement, or even at sporting events as a cheer.

Maybe it's because I don't hear it all the time, or maybe it's because as I finish my graduate studies I can use all the help I can get, but it really does encourage me!

화이팅!!!

Summertime

July and August came and went and my brother, sister-in-law, and I exchanged several more emails and a few more pictures. Here my sister-in-law is just catching up with me after I wrote to her about what I had been up to:

Dear Sister-in law,

How have you and your family been? I’m finally sending you an email!

It is very hot and humid every day in here. My in-laws are very busy at the farm and my husband is sweating so much nowadays at his construction business.  Are you having stressful time on work and studying? When I went back to study nursing after my child was born, I remember that exams were stressful and hospital apprenticeships and presentations were difficult.

We enjoy movies and we liked "Transformers" so much that we watched it twice. My mother-in law usually babysits for us when we go to the movie theater. I do like to cook. I'll cook stir fried chicken stew for you when you come and I wish you come soon.  In-laws like vegetable dishes but mother-in law loves to eat beef so much that we always have beef at her birthday party. My husband can eat anything and he especially loves white bean cold noodle coup and soft tofu stew.  I usually can cook well but not so good on soft tofu stew, and he always picks on me for that. I love every chicken dish. I ate countless chickens during our 5 years of dating.

My husband is a neat freak and he keeps house in immaculate condition but he doesn't like to cook. He loves to do embroidery work, which is influenced by his big sisters.

Do you love to cook and what is your favorite food? I hope hot summer will be over soon and you'll visit us in autumn. There is a lake park across from our house with a musical fountain which many people come for cool air and to listen to music on weekends. We can walk and talk together at the park when you are here.  Are you doing well with your studies? I bet you are a good student. I envy you! I hope you will do well. My dream is to someday go back for a master’s degree in nursing. Anyway, I'm looking forward to meeting you soon and to talk about everything and anything all day long together. Let us write more often until the day we meet. Fighting!!

The next day my brother sent me an email joking that he needs to check his email first so that he can write me back before his wife does. He couldn't write much because he had to leave for work soon, but he said that our mother wondered what my husband is like and he too wanted to know how we met and what profession Steve is in. His wife told him how much he and I look alike, but he isn't too sure about our noses, so we need to compare them when we meet. I heard a little more about my nephew, Yuh-Joon. Apparently he couldn't speak well up until the previous year, but is doing so much better now that he's enrolled in school. My brother is also hoping that the hot summer will be over soon so that when autumn comes I can visit. It's at this point I realize that school is so busy and stressful, I don't think I'll be able to take 2 to 3 weeks and fly to Korea. I feel horrible, because I want to go visit them as much as they want me to come visit! I tell them it might be too difficult for me to come to them in the fall, but I want to see them soon in the following year. I also have to mention to them the funny coincidence that, like my brother, my husband is also a "neat freak" and one of his favorite foods is also soft tofu stew!

My sister-in-law wrote again. Poor Yuh-Joon was in the hospital for 10 days with pneumonia. He is better now thankfully. She and my brother have been trying to have a little sister for Yuh-Joon, but no news yet. She doesn't like summer because she gets dark and my brother teases her that she is a "bushman"! She's glad we both like chicken dishes and has been looking for good places to take me to eat when I visit them. She's also glad we're the same age and hopes we can be good friends. She asked me for advice on how she can persuade her brother to go to church. She didn't know Jesus until about 5 years ago when her mom developed breast cancer. They started going to church where they both got saved and her mom received healing and is now a group leader. What an amazing testimony! The only thing I could tell her is to continue to pray for her family members and to show them love. Recognizing the love of Jesus and making the decision to follow Him is the greatest gift and what I wish for all of my family and friends.

"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." --Romans 10:13 (KJV)

생일축하합니다 (happy birthday)

I recently celebrated my birthday, so I thought it fitting to write about the next email I received from Korea. My brother mentioned in his last email they would be celebrating our mother's birthday soon. My sister-in-law then sent me a message after the birthday passed with some pictures taken at the gathering. It was really exciting to see recent pictures, since everything before then had mostly been from several years ago.

My sister-in-law said everyone would be so happy if I could join them next year for my birth mother's birthday celebration. If they serve that cake again, I hope so too!

My birth sisters seated in order from oldest to youngest.

All of my siblings and sister-in-law.

I remembered a picture taken of me last year during one of my bridal showers. I cropped it and "joined" my birth sisters on the couch!

Hm, which one of these is not like the other?
Okay, I know I'm on the wrong side of the couch, but you get the idea!

Lost in translation.

When I initially get emails from my brother and sister-in-law, I copy and paste the email into Google Translate. The translations have sometimes (most of the time) been awful...funny, but awful. So when I get the real translations from my in-laws, I say to myself, "Ohhh, that's what they were saying." I didn't think they were cursing me out, but it's always good to know for sure!

Before I had a chance to write my brother back after his last email, he wrote again:

Dear Sister, how are you Aeri!!!  It takes a while to communicate since we speak different languages. I must learn English so that I can write and speak to you often. But I wouldn’t expect too much. I didn’t study English hard at school and now I am paying the price! Hahaha! I want to see your current picture. You look just like me, and even better in your wedding photos! I assume you haven’t had a chance to read my other email until your in-laws return. I’m sending a few of our parents’ pictures. Be healthy until I see you. I’ll write to you soon. Your brother.

He also sent one of himself, my sister-in-law, and nephew:

Nice to meet your E-Quaintance.

So far, all of my communication has been with my brother and sister-in-law in Korea, and all by email. We hope to get to know each other better over time through email so the day will soon come when we can meet in person! So as we get "e-quainted" with each other, I have debated whether to copy and paste emails here or just post excerpts. There will be a little of both from now on. First up, the first email I received from my brother:

To my sister,

How have you been doing? It feels uneasy to say "how have you been doing" because it's been such a long time. When I first heard from you I felt shocked and so sorry because it has been so long. I remember I was five years old when our mother took you somewhere. I was holding her hand and she was holding you. When I got older I tried to find you so many times. But it was very difficult because our parents are deaf and it was very hard to get information to search for you. I gave up hope of finding you. I honestly didn't even know that you had been adopted to the United States. Our parents were very poor. Our eldest sister got married and all the siblings had to help the family and our parents with their farm. With 7 children, our parents did not know what to do. I think that is why our parents allowed you to be adopted through the help of a church member. But now my little sister has grown up, gotten married, and searched all over for us! When the family gets together on holidays we often talk about you, but now it's real and we may be able to see you again. I'm so happy and excited. Thank you for bringing the family together again even though it has been so long. I am grateful for this opportunity and want to meet as soon as possible!!!

The emotion I felt after getting his message was varied. I felt so grateful - the response from my birth family could have been so different. I felt connected to my brother despite having never met him - he remembers me, he wanted to find me. I felt grateful again - what would my life be like now if I had grown up working on a farm in Korea?

I was curious about a lot of things too, and in my response I asked questions like how old were each of my siblings and how did they communicate with my birth parents with them being deaf?

My brother wrote back again. He mentioned the hot/humid weather, my birth parents working on their farm, and my birth mother's upcoming birthday where the family will gather and talk about me a lot! He also answered my questions:

Our siblings ages are 4 years apart. The eldest is 53, then 50, 46, 42, 38, and I’m 34 and you are 30 years old in the Korean way of counting ages.

Our parents don’t use sign language, but we can communicate with body language.

He also sent two more pictures from his company laptop and promised to send more from home:

My nephew, Yuh Joon, on his birthday with my brother and birth parents.

My sister-in-law, birth parents, and nephew.

Sister-Mother-Father-in-Law

I was so relieved to read my sister-in-law’s letter. To know my brother married such a sweet, kind and sincere person said a lot about my brother. Unsure whether any of them spoke English, I sent a short email to the address she provided to find out. I didn’t hear anything right away, so I also emailed the social worker at Holt to ask if she could translate my message. She ended up speaking to my sister-in-law on the telephone. She found out none of the family members are fluent in English, but she told her they could write to me in Korean since my in-laws could help translate.

I still didn’t hear anything that week, and my in-laws were actually preparing to leave for a long missions trip to Africa the following week. We all hoped to hear something by then so they would be available to translate. My mother-in-law decided to email them one more time over the weekend.

My brother wrote back on that Monday and sent two more photos! My mother- and father-in-law were able to translate his message for me and also send a translation of my reply back, all before they left for Africa.

As I look back over how communication with my birth family began, I don’t know how to thank God enough for a kind sister-in-law and a caring mother- and father-in-law!

Birth Parents, Sister-in-law & Nephew

Birth Parents, Brother & Nephew

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” --Philippians 4:19 (NIV1984)

Pictures!

I won't write a lot for this post. I'll let the pictures do the talking. Although I could tell they weren't the most recent photographs, I was no less excited and intrigued to look at them....over and over and over again!

My birth mother.

My birth father. Celebrating his birthday on Jeju Island.

My birth sisters, numbered by birth order, at my 5th sister's wedding.

My birth brother, sister-in-law, and nephew.

Dear 애리.

I had read the email from Holt on April 19th. After not hearing back for a while, I emailed on May 3rd to check in. The social worker wrote back the same day:

Dear Joi.

I know how much you curious about it.

After I've sent your letter and photos, I've talked to your sister-in-law and she got the letter and photos. She and your brother were very excited to know about you. She told me that she will share with your birth parents soon, cause they do not live together. They will meet each other on weekend and will response you soon. The family needs to gather the family photos, so it will take some time.

As soon as I get the response from your birth family, I will forward to you.

Then I wait again...May 16th was the day:

Dear Joi.

Here's the letter from your sister-in-law and the photos of your birth family. I made the letter translated, so you can open it. Your sister-in-law wrote her e-mail in order to exchange e-mails directly, but I don't know if your birth family can read and write English fluently. If you need more support after this, you can contact me at any time.

I hope you enjoy the letter and photos.

Have a nice day.

A new dynamic was coming into play. I was hearing directly from my birth family now! Well, my brother's wife, but still very exciting. Anxious to open the attachments, I decided to open the letter first:

Dear Joi.

Here is what the social worker wrote:

Dear Joi.

I have good news to you today.

As you probably expect that I contacted your birth family.

Actually I contacted your birth family through a telegram first but it took some more time than other people. I finally talked to your brother's wife on the phone but I couldn't talk to any other family members yet.

On your adoption record, I'm not sure whether you knew about it or not, I found your birth parents were both deaf couple. So when I sent the telegram to your birth parents, they couldn't response me by phone.

I was told that your birth parents had already 5 daughter and 1 son before you were born. So it was much burden to take care of one more baby for them, so they asked you to be adopted. Now, your birth parents live in Kyunggi province and still work on their own farm.

Your bother used to live with your birth parents but not any longer. All of your siblings got married and live in Seoul and Kyunggi province.

I know you must be very excited to know about it and want to know more about your birth family.

I'm now sending your letter and photos to your birth family, so as soon as I get their response I will share with you.

Have a great day.

The unknown was unfolding. So much to take in! First, I can't tell you how many times I have read through my adoption file, never knowing my birth parents were deaf. I thought about it later that night as I lay awake in bed...unable to fall asleep. Then it hit me. It had been in my adoption paperwork!! My records state, "both parents are dumb people with little education." I always thought it was just a crude translation meaning they were uneducated. Yet, all this time... Next, my file also states I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. Being able to meet my siblings played a large role in me wanting to locate my birth family, so to find out I have 6 siblings in Korea was wonderful news. Finally, the social worker was making good on her promise to send them my letter and photos. So many emotions were coursing through me. What would their next response be? Would they even send one? What else could I do but wait...

Waterworks

You may think the title of this post refers to tears. Well, I'll get to that in a moment, but I first want to talk about the shower...water in general, really.

I've realized something: I don't like to get wet. Sure, I love looking at rivers, lakes, oceans and I've splashed around in my share of pools. However, I would infinitely prefer to enjoy all of these visually rather than actually getting wet. So as you can imagine, showering every day is a chore! Just ask Steve. At least a few times a week I'll mumble and complain about bath time. One time I came across something in my adoption papers that did nothing to change this idiosyncracy of mine, but certainly made sense of it!

My progress report at 1 month old identifies the following under "self responsibilities":  Likes only to have her face washed, but bursts into tears if is bathed.

Yup, that about sums it up. What does this have to do with my story? Nothing really, but I thought it was amusing.

Actually, to distract myself while in the shower, I find it's a nice time for prayer and reflection. This was the case on Tuesday night, April 19th. There I was asking the Lord for more answers about my birth family. "Please let me hear something soon. Let me know if they're okay."

Getting ready for bed later that night, I decided to check my phone for messages. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But I sensed there would be a message for me. As I went over to the nightstand and reached for my phone it was as if the Holy Spirit whispered to me, "Get ready." Then I knew there would be a message from Holt.

I lightly touched the phone's screen and there it was. A new email from the social worker, and she opened with these words, "Dear Joi, I have good news to you today." I quickly read her email, and then slowly sat down on the bed to read it again. I read it aloud so Steve could hear, every sentence or two pausing to hold back the tears and to swallow the lump that was building up in my throat. I'll discuss what the email said next time, but at this point in my story, I just turned out the light, crawled into bed, and wept in Steve's arms.

Cue waiting room music.

Then I waited. I was unsure how long translations usually take; however, after a week I was surprised I still hadn't heard from Holt considering how quickly everything else had transpired. During that long week I began to wonder all sorts of things: What if she contacted them, but they don't want to meet me? What if the records were wrong and maybe my birth parents aren't still alive after all? What if I'm getting excited for nothing; or worse, what if on the other side of all this lies disappointment and heartache?

I decided to email the social worker to see if there was any news. I sent the message on Thursday, April 14th and heard back from her the same day. She told me she was still in the process, but that as soon as she contacts my birth family she would let me know.

I often pray God will grant me more patience since it's not always a strong attribute of mine... Nevertheless, the waiting room music played on.

So what about those pesky thoughts of doubt? They can't stand up to the beautiful realization that God has orchestrated all that has occurred to this point. He grants me a peace over what is happening, and over what is going to happen in the future. And yes, I believe He has even increased my patience by a small measure.

Come to find out, that small measure will be just enough...

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." --Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

It's me...your daughter.

I sat in front of the computer screen for a while. How should I even begin? This was hard. Really hard. Then, I just started typing.

Hello. I gave my name and introduced myself as their daughter who was given up for adoption. A few sentences later I am thanking them. 'As my birth parents, I want you to know how grateful I am to you. Thank you for giving me life.' I know they had other other options... 'The decision you both made has allowed me to live a healthy and happy life.' I go on to tell them about my mom and the wonderful role she has played in my life. Then a little about the Who, What, Where of myself. I tell them how excited I am to have found them; I pray for them; I want to know more about them and their other children; and I would love to see pictures.

Next step, preparing my own photographs. This took as long as writing the letter did, if not longer! I created four pages of photos ranging from childhood to adulthood as the social worker instructed.

Good news: I sent everything to her on Tue., April 5th, and she writes on Wed., April 6th that once she has translated my letter she will contact my birth family.

Bad news: I spent so much time on the letter and photos, I fell behind in my schoolwork. I just happened to be in the midst of one of the more difficult courses in my Master's program. I'm doing everything distance learning, so keeping a structured schedule is key. I guess if there was any good reason to miss school, this had to rank up there pretty high, right?

Ready or Not

Did I read correctly? Did the social worker just tell me that according to Korean government, my birth parents are still legally married? Did she really just ask that I forward her my letter and photos for my birth family? Did she really say she wanted to contact them once I responded to her?

Yup. She sure did.

I ran downstairs to the kitchen to tell Steve. Still processing the news, we were obviously shocked it happened so quickly. Then it hit me. When I send my letter and photos, the social worker will actually contact my birth family!

"I'm not ready!" I half cried. Yet this wouldn't be like last time...it couldn't be. I couldn't put the process of a search on hold - the search had already been done! I couldn't pretend the unknown still loomed in the future - the distance between here and Korea was closing fast!

Thankfully, that initial panic faded pretty quickly and was replaced by joy and excitement. Ready or not, it was time to write a letter...

Now you're talking!

Here is where my story gets good. Really good.

A couple of years back (I couldn't tell you how many exactly) I remember hearing about G.O.A.L. (Global Overseas Adoptees' Link), an organization made up mostly of adoptees who were in the business of helping other adoptees find their birth families among other services. I recall checking out their website (http://goal.or.kr/eng/) and even viewing the Family Search Application. I had no other connection or contact with GOAL...

March 8, 2011 -- I receive an email from a woman in their birth family search department. She apologizes for the delay in responding due to organizational transitions. She tells me I need to contact my adoption agency in Korea with a form she can provide. She also provides a code to modify my profile and asks me to upload a baby picture and current picture.

What's funny is: 1) I never submitted a profile. 2) The code she provided was for a male adoptee named Craig. 3) She contacted me at a new email address I had created less than a year ago.

I think to myself, "Okay, God. You have my attention!"

I also begin to think, "Hmm, this process could take a while. I should take this opportunity to enlist their help, especially if I expect to go to Korea with Steve in a year or so."

March 17, 2011 -- I create a profile with GOAL.
March 18, 2011 -- I send the information request form to Holt Children's Services in Korea.
March 22, 2011 -- Holt Post Adoption Services (PAS) contacts me. The social worker tells me they usually just work with adoption agencies in the US and Europe. She tells me the information I have on my birth family would make it easy to do a search, but that I need to contact Catholic Charities (them again).

I felt like I was hitting the same wall as last time. I let GOAL know what Holt PAS communicated to me. They advised me to ask Holt to bypass the domestic organization since I already have a lot of my adoption information.

March 24, 2011 -- I email Holt to ask about doing a search without contacting Catholic Charities.
March 31, 2011 -- No answer yet. I email again.
April 1, 2011 -- Holt responds. The social worker understands and agrees to do a search for me! She says I know a lot of the information that Holt has, and luckily some identifying information will help with a search. She asks me to prepare a letter and photos to give to my birth family when she locates them. She says the search usually does not take long. I email back the same day and ask if it would be helpful if I scan all of my documentation for her.
April 3, 2011 -- The social worker agrees it would be helpful. I send the documentation that same day.
April 4, 2011 -- The social worker receives my emails. She tells me most of our information matches. Oh. And she has found my birth family.

!!!!!!!!

A Korean last name? Weird.

By marrying into a Korean family, I now have a Korean last name. It felt strange at first. It meant I might not get those odd or perplexed looks anymore. I'll miss those.

The hostess at a restaurant. "Last name?"
"Ryan," I would answer.
Then it happens. A brief look of confusion crosses the person's face, but quickly disappears. Sometimes I would say it was "Kim," which technically I was giving them my first name, but they didn't need to know, nor did they seem as confused by that one!

Now it's great. Not only am I joined to my husband by name, but in some ways I feel more Korean!

My husband, Steve, is a 2nd generation Korean. Love him! Though our backgrounds are different, we shared a lot in common when it came to balancing Korean and American identities. Growing up with 1st generation parents gives him a much deeper understanding though. His parents have been truly wonderful and I'm so proud to call them family.

"It's great to be Korean!"

These words are printed on a magnet my mom acquired for me from Korea.

My plans to travel to Korea were inspired by multiple things. I had made a lot of Korean friends since graduating college. They made me want to connect more with my Korean heritage and country of birth. I had friends from college who were teaching in Korea. For the first time I was trying to study the language ('trying' being the operative word) through classes offered at the community college, where I also happened to work. I started to embrace the fact that I'm Korean. No more walking past mirrors and being surprised at the person looking back at me!

The words on the magnet were ringing true!

As a single woman in her mid-20s, it was time to do something daring...acting out in independence, it was Korea or Bust! Yet in July 2009 something wonderful happened, or someone I should say. His name: Steve. Well, I was no longer single, and by October 2010 we were married! So any future plans for Korea (much to my independent self's relief) would be +1.

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed." --Ecclesiastes 4:9 (NLT)

Life goes on.

I have reached a beautiful contentment with the life God has given me. Yet, it would seem unnatural to not have some tiny curiosity about my birth family. Where are they? Who do I look like? Am I the ugly one? Do they think about me?

Looking back at the last decade of my life, I have become increasingly aware of my "Asian-ness" beginning with high school, moreso during college, and even up to the present. It was pretty ironic that the "whitest" Asian I knew (me) would become the president of the Asian Fellowship! That growth period transformed my indifference into resolve. I would find my birth family. Someday. But then life goes on. Priorities and distractions take over.

As the years passed though, I couldn't help but wonder if my birth parents would still be alive. They were in their 40s when I was born. So the longer I waited... Why then couldn't I muster the strength to start a search?

In 2009 I began envisioning a trip to the "Motherland" and finding my birth family then. I actually began inquiries that routed me to Catholic Charities, the domestic organization who handled my adoption. They charge a fee to contact the international adoption agency who would do a search. I could have paid the fee and started the process, but all of a sudden I didn't feel "ready" to do that just yet...

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven." --Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NLT)

Can you relate?

An introduction and some initial thoughts to this blog (my disclaimer, if you will)!

I know there are many adoptees out there who are living full and happy lives. I would say I am one of them! However, from my observations, many adoptees also grow up feeling "different". I've read the blogs, scanned the forums, met up with some for chats. Some words come to mind:  bitter. resentful. lost.

It's unfortunate. I feel for these particular adoptees. I feel helpless as I struggle to relate to their feelings and individual journeys. However, I know I can pray for them. And I can also blog. Perhaps this can serve as an encouragement to anyone touched by adoption, especially to adoptees who may be in search of their birth families.

For the most part I was blissfully unaware of the obvious differences between my parents, siblings, and myself. I was the youngest and last to be adopted into a large family of other adopted children. Some were domestic adoptions. Some were from El Salvador. Then there was me. A six-month old baby girl from South Korea.

Born a Yoon. Now a Ryan.

Growing up I never had a strong urge to find my birth parents. I knew they were poor farmers. I also knew they had several children before I arrived. I understood. In addition, I always thought it would be a near impossibility to find them all the way over in Korea. "Maybe someday," I would say when asked if I ever thought about looking for them.

When I think of the difficulties and struggles I have gone through in my 28 years...on the one hand, I realize it's just life -- everyone goes through something, right? -- and on the other hand, I know as an adoptee my story is unique and my journey will perhaps have a few more detours than others.

I also realize this:  To me, there is no difference between a birth mother's love and an adopted mother's -- they are one in the same. God knew exactly what He was doing...still does.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" --Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)